Love vs. Like

Thoughts of... ?

 I miss... ?

I don't expect to be understood. I do not understand.

You know, it just flowed naturally. I never thought we would be led this way-- that we were meant for more, that I would be this to her and she would be this to me. We were just hanging out, being there for each other, doing what friends do... laughing, talking, comforting.

But now, here we are.

She Likes me-- beyond our friendship.

She has written, spoken, and displayed this. No doubt about it. It's a terrifiying reality for her-- the first time she has admitted these emotions for the same, even to herself.

I think, "Are you crazy!? ME as your first experience? I am fucked up right now emotionally. Why would you do this to yourself?"

I say, "You are putting your heart out on the line wanting me. I am in love with someone else!"

She says she knows all this. Yet, she is willing to take a risk for a possibility of happiness with me.

How did this happen?! I don't know how I feel about it-- so many ways. I am moved. I am scared.

Such an unusual feeling now to cry in her arms when the memories of Love break me down by forcing me to remember-- mourning and longing for what should could have been.

"This is weird." I whisper. "Yes, it is, but I'm your friend first." she whispers back.

In the midst, I notice her-- I see her. I hear her. I smell her. I touch her. She feels good to me in every way. I begin to see her as a possibility.

And I realize I Like her, too-- beyond our friendship.

She has such a genuine spirit about her that is attractive to me. She is sensitive like me. She cares about people. She has a contagious positive attitude. I love her company. We hang out a lot together doing nothing. We laugh SO much, and I feel comfortable with her which is greatly important to me.

Our physical tensions are a bit intense. We want to explore this, but we hold back from going there. It will be a major step for her... and me too. It is more important to take time. Patience to form quality.

So, the battle within me: in love with one while liking another... one rules while the other reigns.

That shit does not work!

"WTF?!" is what my mind is saying yelling to my heart.

I am chaos inside.

My Love is strong, solid, and real keeping me in the past, but life is too fucking short to dwell back there and not move on to pursue this Liking interest.

Of course, she wants me to completely let go before we try.

I don't know when I will be ready. I fight daily to pull myself out of what was, to heal myself, to build back trust-- for her, for another chance, for THE chance to finally win . ? !

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOODNESS...