My Affinity

Strangers Again

2012-01-28T07:26:00.000-06:00

We are strangers again, just like we were before.

Unfamiliar.
Forced to carry on as if we never met and loved.

Thoughts- full to Thoughts- less.
We live our lives without daily knowledge.
I do not know you, and you do not know me.

Uninvolved.
We continue our lives now on parallel lines.

And we are strangers again, just as then in time.

Growing Time

2012-01-28T06:26:00.000-06:00

Sooooooo... my birthday is coming up really soon, a note-worthy one, and I am feeling some kind of way about it. It is a mixture of gratefulness and fear.

I am grateful always to be able to spend another year with family and friends in good health, with a great job-- now my love life sucks balls, but I'm beginning to see around me that I am not alone in that even though the image portrayed is that of "We are so in love. Our family is perfect." I never want to take for granted the fact that I am still here.

The fear I am feeling is most definitely a superficial fear... aging. Yes! I am being shallow for a moment. Now, I welcome maturity-- I look at some late teens, early twenty year old females and tell myself I would never want to go back to being that stupid and loud for no damn reason. BUT, I would like to remain looking like I do.

Lol Come on! I am not the only one! The promises of the fountain of youth is a billion dollar industry! I will not say that this consumes my thoughts, but I do pay attention to it more that I did ten years ago.

So as my birthday approaches next week I am telling myself to not focus on the fact that I am getting physically "older", but focus on the fact that I am blessed with the opportunity to experience more and grow wiser.

And even though I do not get to spend this time with the woman that I love since she is no longer in my life the way my heart would want her to be, I still plan on having a great time with the woman who makes me feel younger every day.

Without

2012-01-27T20:24:00.001-06:00

♫...Without you, I'm without...♫

♫...I'm crossed out...♫

~Ashlee Simpson~

I feel a deep void-- inside.

Something is missing-- inside.

An element crucial to life has been stripped from-- inside.

And now everything good around me is a blur, a cluttery mess-- obscured by emotional chaos, unable to be appreciated as it should.

I walk, talk, sit, and eat in a robotic daze, staring off into a blank space, an empty place-- unable to focus or care.

I've been wiped out. I am erased.

No longer alive-- a hollow shell, I continue to live.

♫...And now you've taken part of me...♫

~Joss Stone~

One Thing I Love About Myself

2012-01-21T11:43:00.000-06:00

I love that no matter how emotionally awful I feel/ how depressed I get, I can still see humor through my tears and genuinely laugh with ease.

I'm a Humor Whore!

I've learned that comedy keeps me sane. Laughing saves me from the pain that threatens my existence. It is how I survive.

LOL!

Love vs. Like

2012-01-16T21:44:00.001-06:00

Thoughts of... ?

I miss... ?

I don't expect to be understood. I do not understand.

You know, it just flowed naturally. I never thought we would be led this way-- that we were meant for more, that I would be this to her and she would be this to me. We were just hanging out, being there for each other, doing what friends do... laughing, talking, comforting.

But now, here we are.

She Likes me-- beyond our friendship.

She has written, spoken, and displayed this. No doubt about it. It's a terrifiying reality for her-- the first time she has admitted these emotions for the same, even to herself.

I think, "Are you crazy!? ME as your first experience? I am fucked up right now emotionally. Why would you do this to yourself?"

I say, "You are putting your heart out on the line wanting me. I am in love with someone else!"

She says she knows all this. Yet, she is willing to take a risk for a possibility of happiness with me.

How did this happen?! I don't know how I feel about it-- so many ways. I am moved. I am scared.

Such an unusual feeling now to cry in her arms when the memories of Love break me down by forcing me to remember-- mourning and longing for what ~~should~~ could have been.

"This is weird." I whisper. "Yes, it is, but I'm your friend first." she whispers back.

In the midst, I notice her-- I see her. I hear her. I smell her. I touch her. She feels good to me in every way. I begin to see her as a possibility.

And I realize I Like her, too-- beyond our friendship.

She has such a genuine spirit about her that is attractive to me. She is sensitive like me. She cares about people. She has a contagious positive attitude. I love her company. We hang out a lot together doing nothing. We laugh SO much, and I feel comfortable with her which is greatly important to me.

Our physical tensions are a bit intense. We want to explore this, but we hold back from going there. It will be a major step for her... and me too. It is more important to take time. Patience to form quality.

So, the battle within me: in love with one while liking another... one rules while the other reigns.

That shit does not work!

"WTF?!" is what my mind is ~~saying~~ yelling to my heart.

I am chaos inside.

My Love is strong, solid, and real keeping me in the past, but life is too fucking short to dwell back there and not move on to pursue this Liking interest.

Of course, she wants me to completely let go before we try.

I don't know when I will be ready. I fight daily to pull myself out of what was, to heal myself, to build back trust-- for her, for another chance, for THE chance to finally win . ? !

OH. MY. FUCKING. GOODNESS...

Crying

2012-01-08T13:56:00.000-06:00

♫...Lord, I'm needing you now.

Tell me how to stop the rain. Tears are falling down, endlessly...♫

~Mariah Carey~

You remember Alice at the beginning of season three of The L Word-- when she was crying ALL of THE time, after Dana broke up with her?

That's me, mourning my failure. One minute I'm fine. The next I'm balling my eyes out, choked to death by the reality of lost love. I've never cried so intensly before this relationship. I think to myself, "Wow, you really love this girl, don't you?"

THE worst times for me are while I'm grocery shopping (don't ask), while I'm driving, and in bed at night.

It was obvious and uncontrollable before,-- "Your eyes look so sad" a friend said to me-- but now as it gets a bit easier every day, I am able to handle the transition better.

I think all of these tears I shed randomly-- sometimes softly, sometimes violently--- is her leaving my system, our future seeping out of me... withdrawal.

Getting over love fucking hurts is all I can describe to someone without experience.

GO?

2012-01-07T16:18:00.000-06:00

"I cross out words so you will see them more.

The fact that they are obscured makes you want to read them."

~Jean-Michel Basquiat~

What ~~the~~ one always criticized me for-- making me ~~feel~~ less, depressed, and ashamed-- was the very ~~FIRST~~ thing the next praised and admired me for~~!!!!~~

Amazing ~~how~~ that happened! She doesn't even know ~~what~~ she did. And I am ~~still~~ flattered and blushing as I remember.

With each passing week, the importance of her ~~being here~~ within my life is materializing. She stopped the hurt~~ing~~. She showed me ~~other~~ possibilities. She rises higher ~~in status~~ with these ~~affecting~~ gestures extended ~~to me~~.

My heart is ~~slowly~~ growing conscious ~~of her~~--- the time she takes. I feel the ~~purest of~~ intentions as she waits. Knowing ~~I am freshly bruised~~, her patience is evident, ~~undoubted~~.

I am beginning to see ~~what she means to be.~~

When we sit ~~together~~ she looks at me, and I recognize that ~~familiar~~ beckoning from ~~within~~ the eyes.

I've seen this before.

Could, Should, Will I GO try, ~~again~~?

~~Yes~~... not yet.

Puzzle

2012-01-02T20:47:00.000-06:00

I am a puzzle. So puzzling am I to me.

I'm broken into jagged little pieces and spread out from there to here. I spent/spend my life attempting to put these pieces where they belong-- to form the whole of me.

Find what works and work from there.
I understand it helps to have a plan. I lay it all out in front of me, to see every part... (no denial of any). Create some common order, then focus on an area.

With extensive time analyzing, I become impatient. In my sudden haste, I'm misled by masquerading mistakes that cause me to slightly damage resistant pieces as I stubbornly force together what looks right but was not meant to be.

I get frustrated from these set backs, but I learn from them. The scarred pieces remind me of what doesn't work.

I have gotten it right a few times. Some of them have found their place, fitting together with ease revealing a portion of what is me. Others remain alone yet hopeful, anxiously waiting for me to figure out their place.

And I always pray that none have been lost while waiting-- wandering off leaving me forever with holes.

Will the pieces of my life all come together for me in harmony?
Will I ever be an unfractured being and know the whole of who I am, my truth?

"...The truth comes to me. The truth loves me..."

from ~Sylvia~

2012-01-01T10:35:00.000-06:00

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?

When you look behind you there's no open doors.

What are you hoping for?

Do you know?

Once we were standing still in time,

Chasing the fantasies that filled our minds.

You knew how I loved you, but my spirit was free.

Laughing at the questions that you once asked of me.

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?

Now looking back at all we've had,

We let so many dreams just slip through our hands.

Why must we wait so long before we see,

How sad the answers to those questions can be?

Do you know where you're going to?

Do you like the things that life is showing you?

Where are you going to?

Do you know?

Do you get what you're hoping for?

When you look behind you there's no open door.

What are you hoping for?

Do you know, baby?

Lesson 2011

2011-12-31T15:07:00.000-06:00

My number one lesson learned in 2011:

Sometimes even the purest, strongest, most sincere love just isn't enough to win.

Shed

2011-12-31T14:51:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning, and before I even opened my eyes, I told myself, "You need to chop your hair off! TODAY!!!!!!!!"

I had an entire debate with myself (which I will spare you from).

In the end, I stood in the mirror with scissors in my hand.

My hands were shaking ridiculously hard. FEAR.

I was scared and still somewhat reluctant to do this, but I knew I should do this.

I had to shed.

My heart was beating so fast. I was sad. I had been proud of what had grown. But, then I remembered it would grow back... maybe even better and healthier than before.

I know I have grown over this year. After coming out to my mother, I realized that I was much braver than I thought I could be. I also realized that I would do more than what I ever could conceive for the person I loved.

But now I understood that what was once alive and vibrant is now dead. No more trying to resuscitate her love for me. It had been long gone, moved on to another world. I had to give in and let go before my love, my life was poisoned with bitterness.

And this was my first step towards saving myself.

SNIP! SNIP!! SNIP!!! SNIP!!!! SNIP!!!!! SNIP!!!!!! SNIP!!!!!!!

Lit. Love

2011-12-30T09:28:00.000-06:00

"...Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O no!

It is an ever-fixed mark that looks on tempests,

And is never shaken..."

~William Shakespeare~

Strange

2011-12-27T10:52:00.000-06:00

Since I've changed the structure of my bedroom, I now have a perfect, picturesque view of the tree that is poised right outside my largest window. I can sit at my desk, or even on my bed and just watch.

Only a few weeks ago she (yes she... of course) was full and green. Then, the colors came, starting down the center first before spreading out to the whole: orange, red, and yellow.

Then, the leaves let go. Some waiting for a wind so they can fly a little or a lot as they fall. Those are the fun ones basking in release. The others just dropped heavy in the stillness with no enjoyment of new freedom. I think to myself what a waste that was.

Now, she is suddenly naked except for a few orange that cling. (I wonder why they hesitate.)

Her bareness slapped me conscious today, this morning. I realized that I am a witness to her transformations in time, and that she has been a witness to mine!

Now I feel naked and somewhat... embarassed.

I have this urge to name her, just so I can say hi or something in the mornings. Strange, I know, but I don't care if you think it is.

I will call her Mahogany, after my favorite.

Forever Crushin'

2011-12-26T20:13:00.000-06:00

"...Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled..."

~Jenny~ The L Word

Reflection

2011-12-25T20:37:00.000-06:00

We were-- so close.
Romantic and best--were we.
So close-- we were.

All of our love. All of our memories... they dwell here within me.

Woman with Mirror

I pause in the midst of readiness, close myself off from open intimacy, and trance myself... to actively imagine... to remember.

Don't be distressed when I drift away/ when sadness shows itself in my eyes.

Understand.

I must sit and reflect to get up and move on... with awakening, without replicating.

"...Why must we all repeat things done, and come again very bitterly to wisdom..."

~The Passionate Friends~

2011-12-24T19:23:00.000-06:00

Escape

2011-12-23T11:07:00.000-06:00

"...I don't hide my identity!!

I do not hide-- I am hidden..."

~The Owls~

I want to be free, but you keep me, from being, openly.

I am your secret, covered up in your dirt of... ???

I struggle with your chains, in your dark prison.

I am trying desperately to get out there-- where I belong.

Buried alive I am.

For long I won't be.

I will escape.

I will stand up. I will step out.

And they will see me.

I won't deny it.

I will speak it. I will confirm it.

And they will hear me.

Finally!!!

Random

2011-12-23T11:06:00.000-06:00

I want an art deco lamp so bad! Just one!

Something like this:

Intercourse

2011-12-21T14:56:00.001-06:00

We do it everyday-- all day, all night.
We share ourselves, intimately.

Encouraged by the soft press and slight push, she goes. Then I go.
Or switched around, the first depending on who is more affected to take the lead.

Sometimes we do it at the same time, bursting out all over each other in a fit of clamor. We get like that sometimes, excited about what the other is divulging and instantly needing to assert our own enthusiasms to the other.

The extent of our stamina being great, we exchange profusely for hours at a time, blowing out our heads and hearts with our deepest passions, drenching one with the other over and over, again and again.

We do it everyday-- all night, all day.
We intensely converse. We lightly palaver.
We genuinely... TALK.

♫...I'm your favorite melody. Listen to me...♫

~Floetry~

My Pleasures

2011-12-18T10:08:00.003-06:00

Textual Pleasure:

"...I saw the dreamer in her had fallen in love with me,

And she did not know it.

That moment, the dreamer in me fell in love with her,

And I knew it."

~Ted Hughes~

Visual Pleasure:

"We don't see things as they are. We see things as we are."

~Anais Nin~

This painting is titled Shoes, but instead I hear Choose.

I have stared at this one for a while. Why are they so close, lightly touching? Body language like this, knees facing each other, is inviting intimacy. What intimacy? Conversation? Lust?

Why is there red fire all around them? Is it the shoes that have ignited the passion or...? Why are they both sitting on the innocence of white light that has slightly mingled with the passion? Above, there are specks of innocence around only one, and only this one has ONE white shoe on her right side... Why? The other goes left...

Why is her hand in the middle of them... is it gently pressed against the other's leg while they "try on" pleasure to see how it fits?

And you know what they say about the ring finger being longer than the index finger. LOL!

I like this one because it makes me wonder...

"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

~Sigmund Freud~???

The Dreams

2011-12-17T18:26:00.000-06:00

♫...The two sides of my brain need to have a meeting...♫

~Joss Stone~

Last night, I had a dream.

This time NOT of her-- the woman of my dreams...

Of him-- the man of my dreams...

And it was so nice. Very sexual-- sensual. But, a special romantic intimacy was mixed in. I remember flashes of smiles and laughing--tickling-- walking, talking while holding hands... this feeling of a happy relationship.

It is obvious that my subconscious dreams are working OVERTIME to reflect what is MAJORLY lacking in my conscious reality.

You would think since my heart is gender blind, I would have found someone by now whose love doesn't play a disappearing act-- but is real, visible, solid, steady.

I have so much good love inside of me to give, overflowing. No one seems to want it, though.

What will happen to it? What will happen to me?

I don't want to be alone, but I am so tired.

Failure takes a lot out of you, and it is getting harder and harder to replenish and heal myself.

The End of 16

2011-12-16T06:38:00.002-06:00

No luck of the 7.

Another 16 without her.

12 16s without her in 11. Not even the 7th 16 of 1 was special and celebrated.

She left before the 1st.

She was still close to me, there at the beginning.
Now, she is far from me, here at the end.

I could not keep her close. All my efforts were futile and meaningless, intended to prove love but instead seen as threats of force. I could not win. I could not hold on.

I cannot see her. I cannot hear her. I cannot smell her.
I cannot feel her. I cannot touch her... anymore.

♫...You won't look me in the eye.

No time, no friendship, no love. You say don't touch you.

I can't touch you no more. I can't touch you anymore...♫

~Meshell Ndegeocello~

Yet... she haunts me still.
I miss her. I reach out to her, but she is gone. Vanished from my life. I lost her.

And now, I turn and move forward into the newness of another... another year, another number, another 1...

Inciting Inamorata

2011-12-11T22:21:00.001-06:00

♫...And you know I can't promise you things will turn out fine...♫
~Corinne Bailey Rae~

~Thinker~

"...She'll only break your heart. It's a fact.

And even though I warn you, even though I guarantee you that

the girl will only hurt you, terribly, you'll still pursue her-

Ain't love GRAND!?!..."

~Great Expectations~ Charles Dickens

Ms. Cautious Leery.

I hear you contemplating. Stop! Relax your mind.

Don't allow fear to set in.

The Prevaricators.

I see you listening. Don't! Plug your ears.

Don't entertain their hateful lies.

To wild air and rushing water, set doubt free.

And finally...

Come here, inamorata, and reflect my constant adoration.

Breathe LIFE into you plus me and let US be.

And WE... are Good ? .

"...Nothing down the road is certain. That's the only thing for sure..."

~Soul Kiss~ Shay Youngblood

Random Relevance

2011-12-09T19:27:00.000-06:00

"...I don't want to be a victim of your unclear state..."

These words came to me randomly today. I heard the voice within the memory say them in my ear, yet I cannot remember for the life of me whose voice it was or even the situation attached.

My mind felt that wasn't important. It only wanted to bring forward to the surface of my awareness what is relevant.

I understand.

All In One

2011-12-04T11:32:00.000-06:00

Visual Pleasure:
I really like the pose. Her clothes are falling off, yet she looks away... shy maybe??? She would only be in this manner around someone she likes, is comfortable with, yet is new. I think it is sexy and feminine. I don't know the name of this, but I call it "Intimate Blushing".

Lyric of My Moment:

♫Lyin' in my bed I hear the clock tick and think of you.

Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing new...♫

~Cyndi Lauper~

Song of My Moment:

I have posted Alecia before. I really LOVE her voice and I REALLY wish she would release more music. I would snatch it before they could lay it on the shelf.

I like this live version of the song cover.

Update:

*sigh* Hello. I realize I haven't been here as much, but I have been focused on other things.

The main thing is myself.

I am working on myself emotionally. After having my feelings so completely broken, my self-esteem suffered (it already wasn't that high in the first place). The only things that would swirl around in my head over and over were all of the insults, the negativity that was thrown at me, directly and indirectly, as reasons for not being worthy. (Gosh! As I typed that, my eyes welled up. It still hurts.)

I am learning to let go of that. These things that one person feels doesn't mean that they are my reality or anybody else's reality. I took the valid and left the others in a heap to rot knowing them to not be true but based purely on a unclear perspective.

I am definitely more aware, more mature when it comes to relationships. I feel it. I feel like I have grown from all of the hurt I experienced this year. I am still a work in progress, though, and because I am human I will never be perfect. I will be working on me until the day I die.

One area I really want to address is my spiritual. I shrink back from it instantly whenever the topic is brought up (Angel brought it up this morning and my whole body just tensed). I really need to deal with this aspect of my life.

Also concerning myself, I am working on taking better care of me physically. My body just feels different. As I get older, I am slowly realizing that I really need to understand that although I spent my younger years far from a doctor's office, I really have to spend time there now on a regular basis. I am getting back into exercising and monitoring what I eat. I really do love to do pilates and yoga. The hard part for me is getting back into it... STARTING!!!

I'm ready though. I have energy now!

Visual Pleasures

2011-12-04T11:31:00.001-06:00

I love this photograph of Keys... the pose especially, the dress, the unusual hair... I wish I could see the rest of her legs and her feet positioning. I wonder how this would look as a painting... impressionist.

"... She is prey for Sappho..."

~from Children of the Century~"

I have realized that as my interest in art increases rapidly and knowledge grows slowly, that I am definitely a fan of the impressionists and the technique. My eyes are drawn to it automatically, no matter what the subject. It is my favorite art movement.

Epiphany

I like this pose (It was the first thing that caught my eye.), the colors, the ambiguous background, the stream of light coming in diagonally from the lower corner...Wow, her ass (the second thing to catch my eye)! Lol...

Angel

2011-12-04T11:31:00.000-06:00

♫...Guardian angel I sail away on an ocean with you by my side.

Orange clouds roll by. They burn into your image, and you're still alive...♫

~Mariah Carey~

Recovery

~Artist Unknown~

I wish I could describe the feeling of having someone I love so deeply suddenly disappear from my life, but there are no words, only sounds of pain and distress.

I wanted to retreat somewhere, curl up in a ball, and just die.

I prayed and prayed begging for the pain to somehow stop its torturous piercing of my heart... to be saved from the misery of the spiraling depression I was falling deep within.

HE heard me. HE sent her... to me.

Out of absolutely nowhere, there she was lifting me out of it, kindly slapping the sense back into me, and refocusing me, placing me on a path I never conceived possible.

Then she stayed to watch over me, now risking herself to make sure, every day... my guardian.

Where she came from I don't know, but when I am laughing on the phone, the pain lessens. I am healing and realizing that whatever happens in time, I am not going to perish.

Why she cares so much I just don't know. I'm glad she does though, and the feeling is mutual. I hope she knows how much I appreciate her.

It amazes me how you can meet someone and it seem like you have been friends forever, yet in reality you have only known them for a month of your life. That is the way it was with one of my great friends.

She is my friend. I call her... Angel.

♫...Angel of mine.

You came into my life sent from above.

When I lost all hope you showed me love...

How you changed my world you'll never know.

I'm different now, you helped me grow...♫

~Monica~

Thank You

2011-11-24T11:45:00.000-06:00

Today, I am thankful for the things I am usually grateful for each and every day of my life: my salvation, my health, my family, my career, etc.

But today, I find that I am most grateful for the relationship of true friendship. The realness and sacrifice that supports and guides me through the toughest of life's severe blows.

To my true friends, I am thankful for you. And a toast to my newest, THANK YOU!:

♫...It's been a miracle for what you've done.

Please, stay right by my side...♫

~Gladys Knight & the Pips~

The Visual, The Lyrics, & The Song of Me

2011-11-22T11:44:00.000-06:00

The Visual: My favorite work (so far) by artist Dawn Okoro. I feel a range of emotions when I look at this. It reflects my current status so much right now. I think about what knocked me on my knees and it makes me want to cry, yet I see the struggle to not be defeated (the red, the fire wrapped around her heart and breath that spreads to her limbs) to "Get Up" out of the mud that surrounds her everywhere, and I feel strengthened. A great piece.

"Get Up"

The Lyrics:

♫...I won't cry myself to sleep. I won't let you get to me...♫

~Joss Stone~

The Song:

♫...and the pain will fade. I'll get back on my feet.

It's not the end of me...♫

Musical Pleasure

2011-11-22T10:58:00.001-06:00

The song of this chapter.

A nice, beautiful LIVE version that I feel deeply. The piano towards the end made my skin tingle. It is like delicate tear drops. Amazing! I am so glad to know this musical artist. I wish I could see and hear her live.

♫...And now my eyes they look at you, bitterly...♫

The Dreams

2011-11-22T10:58:00.000-06:00

This woman. Damn!

The latest dream that I had cannot be reproduced in words!!!!

Pleasure Connection?

2011-11-20T19:39:00.000-06:00

Visual Pleasure:

This my favorite visual I have come across for my Zodiac sign Aquarius: The Water Bearer. So Nice!

Textual Pleasure:

"...I was living in this wilderness, wrapped up in my selfishness,

until, suddenly, one day, I met her... "

~Alfred de Musset~

I cannot help but FEEL these two pleasures that came randomly to me are in some way connected...

How Will I Know? (Repost)

2011-11-12T13:51:00.000-06:00

"...It is just a feeling..."

"...no fear..."

All in One #5

2011-11-12T13:40:00.002-06:00

Visual Pleasure: Beauty by Shiree Gilmore

This is attractive. I really like the colors, especially those that make up the butterfly. Since I tend to apply who I am and what I'm going through to what I see, in my mind, the butterfly represents freedom and its colors represent liveliness. So, I see this as an acceptance of freedom in life. I see the warmness of this as somewhat of a contrast to the coldness of the visual I have on the side of my blog where the hands are chained yet reaching for freedom that is not quite in full reach... which is how I felt when I started this blog.

I am somewhere in between these two images.

Update:
My ex boyfriend recently told me that I didn't act differently or even take the time to say goodbye when I was done. I just... disappeared. I suddenly vanished.

I told him that this was not true. He just didn't pay attention to the fact that I was slowly fading away. Then at that moment when I had finally had enough of the nonchalant treatment of my needs and being taken for granted, I left without a word to seek the happiness that he wouldn't / couldn't give me from somewhere / someone else.

I remember reading this random tweet about a month ago:
Absence makes the heart look elsewhere.

Musical Pleasure: This is my favorite new music fom Meshell Ndegeocello. A song of my thoughts.

♫...'cause when it's gone, you'll regret it...♫

Lyrical Love:

♫...We belong to you and me.

How deep is your love?...♫

~The Bee Gees~

Life Steps

2011-11-09T06:36:00.001-06:00

...and the soul, afraid of dying, that never learns to live...

~Bette Midler~

My life has always, always revolved around someone else's. I have lived in his/her life, let their experiences become my experiences.

I have nothing that is me.

Where did I go? What did I do? Where are MY stories? Where are the pictures of ME, out there, smiling, living... for ME.

I have nothing to show.

It is my fault. I blame no one. I allowed myself to inherit the nervous caution of venturing out past the saftey of the familiar. I have been content to just stand back in the shadows, peeking around the corners watching others not be afraid. I wait for them to come back to me and tell me with enthusiasm what it was like. And as they recite, I close my eyes and imagine myself having no fear.

What was once a pleasing surrounding has turned into a prison. It is cold here. It is lonely here... in the shadowy grayness of the regular and routine.

As I gaze out there, the warmth and energy of vitality is inviting.

I am ready to take steps into the sun, into experiencing places, people, the new.

Yes, I will go out! I will encourage conversation. I will laugh with strangers. I will taste the food of others. I will explore the beauties of the world, I will speak the foreign, I will pose with an open mouth smile..........

I will live... for ME!

My heart has started to beat, yet my hands have started to shake...

Lyrics of the YEAR

2011-11-08T06:40:00.001-06:00

♫...Love me in a special way. Love me, every day.

What more can I say?

Love me now...♫

~Tamia~

♫...I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.
I want to know right now what will it be.
I don't wanna wait for our lives to be over.
Will it be yes, or will it be, sorry?♫
~Paula Cole~

A Search for a Name

2011-11-08T05:14:00.002-06:00

♫...And when you came home you'd always have some sorry excuse.

Half explainin' to me like I was some kind of fool...

Don't play with me...♫

~Alicia Keys~

Trust. Reliance on the integrity... integrity, integrity ?

Integrity. Adherence to honesty... honesty, honesty ?

Honesty. straightforward sincerity... sincerity, sincerity ?

Sincerity. freedom from deceit... Deceit, Deceit ?????

Deceit. concealment of truth... Deceit !!!

Déceit is THE name for you, is MY name for you.

♫...Never thought you'd be the one that would deceive me...♫

~Alicia Keys~

The Disappearance of IN

2011-11-06T09:04:00.001-06:00

Update:
My fellow lovely blogger over at The Rainbow Room has written a great extension to this post. Go check out what she has to say!!!
The Rainbow Room
---------------------------------------------------------
So as I have said before, I am now friends with my ex boyfriend. We maturely get along quite well as platonic friends. He listens to me and is supportive, and I listen to him.

Yes, because he is seeking ADVICE (!!!! go figure! LOL), I listen to him spill it about all aspects of the women he has been with since me (I admit I am not as revealing on certain things.). Now if you had told me anywhere between 1999 and 2009 that in the future I would be able to listen to him talk about other women and not have any type of jealousy or emotional reactive outburst, I would have most definitey laughed in your face.

But it has happened, and it amazes me everytime. Why? I guess because like I said before, this is my first experience with being "friends" with an ex. Being friends with someone I used to have these real and deep romantic feelings for and now... they are nowhere to be found. I mean NOTHING!

But my feelings were SO intense before. How does all THAT just go... the IN of love? Whatever the "how" it went, I can honestly say it disappeared in *POOF* an instant, and I still remember that instant... vividly.

Now, I still love him (Love never goes away, for me anyway.). I care about what happens to him, but I am not IN love with him. Not even a speck of a lingering romantic molecule is left. And I have been very observant in looking for it. I am now able to look back on and analyze our relationship from an outside, mental point of view because my heart has no remnants of the IN.

Who knew?

So, I could not help but apply this possibility to my current romantic situation: my second love. As a form of bracing myself in case we don't work out, I sometimes try to imagine my life without this very much alive (and much stronger) love for Jazz. I try to imagine my heart feeling nothing romantic for her.... none of that emotional depth that makes me passionately crazy for her.

Ummm yeah... I have realized that doing this is so futile. Why? Because while the IN of love is still blatantly being felt, I cannot possibly fathom its disappearance.

It won't allow me to.

All in One #4

2011-11-05T21:02:00.000-05:00

Visual Pleasure: I have nothing to say about this visual. I just like it.

Musical Pleasure:
I love everything that contributes to the sound of the final portion to this song ESPECIALLY the background singing. I really like backing vocals that sound like this. They are back there making sure I feel it through repetition. Another reason I adore Joss... and Adele.

Lyric Love:

♫...I won't cry myself to sleep.

I'll find myself a pen and write down my heart...♫

~Joss Stone~

What's Up:

I have decided to start another hobby in an attempt to focus my mind on new things. The problem is I am terrified to start it. I don't want to fail at it. I have only had the nerve to tell two people about it and they have said, don't THINK about it, just DO it. So that is what I must do. This will be something just for me. Another mode of expression.

Is it possible to feel connected yet disconnected from someone? I will say yes, because that is exactly how I feel about my relationship. Everything in the world is trying to keep us apart on every level. And sometimes I feel I am the only one putting forth a mighty fucking effort to prevent anything in the world from defeating US.

Something scary I am noticing in myself: my eyes are in the beginning phase of wandering...

It is controllable right now, can be reigned in. But, I know what this means for me.

Yet, I don't want it to be...

I just want to grab my hair and with every bit of strength left in me scream at the top of my lungs: JAZZ!!!!!

A Mockery

2011-11-04T07:17:00.000-05:00

To know the one you Love is in need, yet to be blocked by obstructions, to not be able to follow through on your immediate instincts to help, to save, to protect, to comfort... a mockery of Love.

Love Note #1

2011-11-03T07:23:00.000-05:00

...Still, I wish that you and I'd forgive each other.

'Cause I miss you, Valentine.

I really love you...

~Mariah Carey~

Dear Jazz,

I know you are struggling...

with a fear of pain that keeps you in a place that is removed, away.

But as you contemplate, please remember this:

1. You are my heart. 2. Your pain is my pain. 3. Your smile is my smile.

So in everything that I do for you, for me, for us,

I try my hardest with a matured mind and a sincere heart... to not hurt you.

And although I will falter because I am human,

I ask that you will forgive me in understanding that you are human too.

Love Me,

Sweet

...So come on, give me the chance to prove I am the one who can...

~Adele~

A Stranger Saves Me

2011-10-31T06:45:00.000-05:00

Loss is never easy. My most recent loss had me in a chaotic state, on edge and scared trying desperately to cling to what I thought would comfort me and prevent me from losing my mind.

It is amazing how the weaknesses and instabilities around us are illuminated greatly in times of need.

I saw clearly. I saw reality for the first time in a year. What I that was a given, what I thought would always remain stable didn't, and when I reached out to hold on to it, it failed me; I went over the edge and landed hard.

This was a difficult realized lesson for me. I drank until I was sick.

But then...

It is also amazing to me that in the midst of being at my lowest, an unexpected strength and grace (a stranger)came to me, helped me to my feet, washed my face, comforted me, made me smile, set my mind to the positive, then whispered and pointed out to me a suggested path I should now take... a path that made so much sense to me.

I was saved from wallowing in my gloom.

And I wonder if she even knows what she did for me in the few moments of time she chose to spend on me this weekend (a stranger).

But now a new friend to me... she is . ? ! A new friend to her... I am . !

Anyways, I am going to step back, relax, and refocus my life. For some reason, I am excited. I think it is because I feel... free.

All in One #3

2011-10-22T18:21:00.000-05:00

Visual Pleasure:
To me, Alicia is giving good face in this photo. I love her red lips, the slicked back hair, and the bow at her neck. The downward slope of her eyes make me wonder... are you thinking, are you feeling, are you watching, are you dominating... imagine that.

Lyrics of the Day:

♫...These arms of mine, they are burning,burning from wanting you.

These arms of mine, they are wanting,wanting to hold you.

And if you would let them hold you, oh how grateful I will be.

Come on, come on baby just be my woman, just be my lover...♫

~Otis Redding~

Musical Pleasure: I Can't Get You Off My Mind ~Sonya Kitchell~
Mmmmmmmmmm... Love this song. The mood/atmosphere and lyrics of this song EXACTLY reflect my current relationship state of mind and heart.

For Jazz...

What's up:

I haven't been in the mood to journal lately. I am not sure why. Maybe I will have more to say when work isn't consuming my mind.

Jazz and I are still good. She loved her birthday present from me... YES!!! I was able to learn something else about her. She doesn't squeal like me when she is super excited, she... hmmm... I think I will save this for myself. I will keep it in my heart. I'm smiling right now just thinking about it. I love learning her. I'm sure we will be in our eighties together, and I will learn something new about her and be just as thrilled.

Sometimes it is hard, when I want all of her NOW. I cannot even begin to express how much I am craving our physical intimacy, but we are moving back together at a pace that we should have in the beginning, and deep down I know that this way is the right way for our best future.

Oh, I decided to copy an idea I read in a novel, although I may put my own spin to it. It deals with love letters which to me are one of THE most romantic notions. I already have a few from Jazz that I love to go back and read. I always think of someone in the future finding them and reading about our love story.

Lol...

All in One #2

2011-10-15T11:48:00.001-05:00

Visual Pleasure: The Birth of Desire ~J. S.~

So, I really like this ink painting. What attracted my eyes was the pose(which is usually the case). I like the deep arch that, since the title of this is The Birth of Desire, conveys to me an acute arousal. Her body looks to almost form the big O... It wouldn't take much more movement to get there and complete it. And what is arousing her so? She obviously seems to be looking at a female's bare chest which is in the background.

This is so me. I'm a boob girl. But, maybe she is looking at her projected self and is turned on by the sight of herself. Hmmmm....

Lyric of the Day:

♫...I feel your touch caressing me.

This feeling's all I'll ever need.

With every kiss from your sweet lips, feels like I'm drifting...♫

~Mariah Carey~

Song of the Day:

In case it isn't obvious, I adore Gladys Knight. Love her voice.

Update:

I am doing lovely. Jazz and I continue to hold our "dating" status. We are taking steps toward each other. Tiny, yes, but we are making progress. I sent her a present, and I cannot wait for her to receive it. I hope she likes it. I want to hear her squeal like she makes me. I think that she will.

Oh, and as usual, I am horny as hell. *sigh* Dammit Kariss!!! Lol...

All in One

2011-10-02T12:06:00.000-05:00

Visual Pleasure: Giovanni Boldini:"Nudino Scattante"

I absolutely love the pose: the arch of the back, the curves and fullness of the lower body, and the positioning of the arms and legs. I like the brush strokes, too.

Lyric of the Day:

♫...I am ready for love, all of the joy and the pain.

And all the time that it takes just to stay in your good grace...♫

~India Arie~

Song of the Day: This is one of my favorite Nora Jones songs. I like everything about it. Just my style.

For Jazz...

Okay, so what has been going on with me?

First up: Awkwardness

I was talking on the telephone to Mama last week. I was talking to her about what a failure I seem to be at relationships... that I give my all, and they say I try too hard. I back off, and then it's I am too selfish. I said it was the same pattern for all "three". At first I'm on a pedestal, and then I'm not worthy of the smallest of affections.

Mama tried to give "mama advice" and soothe her daughter's pain. Then we hung up. About, I don't know, twenty minutes later, Mama called back and said, "I've been sitting here trying to remember the third person. I remember him #1, and him #2, but I can't remember the last guy you are talking about when you said 'pattern of ALL THREE'.

I sighed, chuckled awkwardly, and said, "The third is Jazz."

Mama said, "What?! YOU DATED HER?!! Y'all were in a RELATIONSHIP?!!!"

Now, I am sitting staring at the phone totally confused, like WTF. I know I told this woman that I am bisexual and in love with Jazz. I reminded her of this and she said, "Yeah, I knew you had FEELINGS for her, but I did NOT know y'all were actually in a RELATIONSHIP. That you were walking around together like THAT!!! Oh Wow, my goodness!!! Lord Jesus!" I could hear her start to shuffle around uncomfortably.

O____O

Awkward silence.......

Next up: Weirdness

So my ex-boyfriend who I was with for ten years OF MY PRECIOUS LIFE... randomly texted me at the end of last week. It was of a nonsensical nature and an obvious "I just wanted a reason to text you" type of topic.

Now, we have texted before since we've broken up, but I don't know... it is different this time. It is like we are actually... wait for it... wait for it... Best Friends!!!

Now, here is the situation: He knows my romantic feelings for him are totally gone. I told him about Jazz. We've talked everything out.(He asked about my status about a month ago, and I told him about my relationship and how in love I am with her. During this time, robust curiosity forced me to ask if he was in a relationship. He said he was, but had the issue of comparing her to me and SHE was frustrated with that habit, so she left..... Mmmmmhmmmm now you see what you left, huh?)
He respects my feelings. We are totally platonic. We laugh and joke. We are relaxed. We are COOL. This is a really weird feeling for me since I never thought I could ever be friends with him after how he disappointed me. This is my first experience with friendship with a person after a major relationship and major breakup.

So far, so good... It is still weird though.

Last up: Madness

I really do think my love for Jazz has drivin me mad relationship wise. I am a sane human being, yet mention Jazz, and you will see this crazy look come in my eyes. Mixed signals of hot & cold/ on & off, her Libra indecision has had me on a continuous roller coaster of emotions that has made me want to scream, "FUCK IT! I can't take this anymore! I'm done! Let me off this, NOW!!!!"

But yet, on this ride I stay. Why? Because I have gone mad... madly in love.

Everything, now, SEEMS to be falling into place for us, but, yeah, I think the damage is done, and I will always be crazy for her.

Balanced Need

2011-10-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

We were balanced once upon a time...

Now, here it is:
You are still my vitality, yet in your life, I rank a nonchalant, low importance level.

I don't even exist to you.
And you carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

Who am I?

You don't need to say good morning/ good night to me.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to know how I slept.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need my voice in your ear.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to know if I am feeling okay.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to touch or hold me.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to know if I am happy or hurting.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to know if I am dead or alive.
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to say, "I love you."
You carry on fine without. I don't even cross your mind.

You don't need to talk to me, touch me, know me.
You don't need me in your life...

So, I won't continue to count on you for these.
I won't need YOU... anymore!

A plummet in level of importance... you won't exist.
And I'll carry on fine without. You won't even cross my mind.

Who are you?

And then once again we will be... balanced in need.

The Smile of Love

2011-09-29T06:55:00.001-05:00

What I need from her, it is in my subconscious, and in twinkles of eyes and in flashes of smiles, it came back to me.

A dream from last night.

There in the shower, that feeling of relief that flooded me in my dream surrounded me again.

I stopped to remember, to grab on, to hold.

You see, in this dream she smiled at me. But not just any smile...

She smiled this real, pure, raw smile. She smiled her smile of Love.

The subtle upcurve of her lips, and the affectionate words in her eyes that say across the table, "I Love You, Only You, Forever You."

I read her smile engulfed in relief, and I spoke back to her my own smile of Love.

That is what I suddenly saw in the shower this morning in twinkles and flashes... that moment.

I hope this is a dream of our future reality.

Visual Pleasures

2011-09-25T12:10:00.004-05:00

MY favorite pieces by artist Mickalene Thomas:
A Moment's Pleasure

A Moment's Pleasure #2

If I had to choose, I actually like the photograph a bit more than the painting. It speaks to me more, but I would hang either in my home.

I love the poses, expressions, the protective dominance that exudes from the one sitting on the couch. TO ME, she's like "WHAT?!" She seems to be presiding over what's hers (the hand placed on the thigh) and has confidence that what's hers ain't going nowhere because she has no need to clutch or look at the other. She's looking at us, and she looks like she don't play and would be bored with whatever you had to say. Lol

I also like the softer side glance from the one sitting on the floor cushion which TO ME reads a bit like submissiveness to the partner on the couch. TO ME, she is saying "Don't stare too long. I'm not acknowleding you. I'm with her. Look at her. You gotta acknowledge her to get into this space." Yet she has her own confidence as well in that she mimics to a close degree the other's pose giving me a sense of equality in the relationship. The dominance is in the leveling and expression FOR ME.

TO ME, they both look like a couple that has been together for a while and have a sense of comfort and stability with each other (their shoes are off... not going anywhere) and respect for each other. TO ME, the fact they are not smiling does not mean they are not happy. I feel contentment from them.

The legs... The one on the floor cushion has her legs open which TO ME means her sexuality is open and free flowing yet only for who is on the inside of this space (she looking away from the outside). The one on the couch has her legs crossed which means TO ME that no one is getting up in this space except her! Lol

When I look at the painting, the main thing that sticks out FOR ME is that the partner on the floor cushion is actually on a "pedestal special" level to the one on the couch, is treated as such, and probably truly "runs things" in the household (gets her way). I get this from the fact that the royal color of purple surrounds the one on the floor cushion. She is taken care of, gets all her needs met here on the inside and for this reason she has no need to look to the outside world (us).

It really reminds me of the relationship between Jazz and I.

I am also really attracted to this piece:

Can't We Just Sit Down and Talk It Over

I like the relaxed, flirty peek-a-boo sexuality I feel from her pose and the fact that her shirt is open to reveal some enticement for her partner to come sit down next to her and talk.

I would hang this one over the couch. I absolutely love the title and Jazz would say it is soooo me. Lol

*This is a reminder that nothing about what I wrote about the works is meant to be my interpretaion of what the artist actually intended to communicate. My remarks are just what was spoken TO ME personally as I gazed... visually pleasured.

Visual Pleasure

2011-09-24T17:22:00.000-05:00

Most people know the artist Gustav Klimt for one of his most famous paintings The Kiss. However after looking through some of his works, MY favorite is this lesser known sketch:
Woman: Semi Nude 1909-1910.

Of course (if you know me), my eyes are drawn to the dark, cury hair on her head (a weakness of mine), but I also like the flirty, suggestive face (in the smoldering eyes and mischievous smile), and the "come get this" pose which speaks something familiar to me (the actions of myself... Yep, totally something I would do after a ~~few drinks~~ one drink. Lol).

Basically, I see the beginning of an erotic night when I look at this piece, and that makes Kariss smile.

Another Year Later

2011-09-24T11:28:00.001-05:00

So yesterday was My Affinity's second birthday. I went back to My Affinity one year ago and this is what I found:

It is obvious that Jazz and I were head over heals in love with each other: Heart Affects , How She Loves .

Though I was still scared as hell ( How Will I Know ), my intense love for Jazz was pushing me to long and seek my freedom from my chains and to live as who I really am. I was beginning to outwardly transform into who I naturally am by growing my hair out in its natural state, yet I was still hiding, and lying, and hurting the one I love, Jazz: The Journeys .

So where am I now... one year later?

I think the most important change to note is that I finally told my deeply religious mother that I am bisexual and in love with a woman: Mama's Love: Part 1 , Mama's Love: Part 2 .

That right there was sooooooooooo hard to do. I mean words cannot express my stress level, my shaking, my heart beats, my fight to stay conscious and not faint as I spoke words that would forever change my world as I knew it.

I made it through and Mama still loves me. She does not accept my love for Jazz at all and lets it be known, but she understands it... if that makes sense at all. I think it does. Mama asks about her all the time and so far does not say or display any hatefulness towards Jazz.

I want them to meet.
To be continued...

My hair is completely natural now. I am still learning how to care for it, but I absolutely love it. To me, my natural hair represents my natural sexuality... going which ever way... it doesn't matter. I have no desire to go back to being purely "straight", each strand falling in perfect placement again. ;)

Today I still struggle with my natural feelings for women and my relationship with God. I have made no progress on this. Why? It scares me.

And as for my relationship with Jazz (which, by the way, without My Affinity might never have happened)... *sigh*

Looking back on SweetJazz's honeymoon phase touches my heart. I smile. I long. I pray...

♫...You know how the time flies.

Only yesterday it was the time of our lives...♫

~Adele~

I love that woman. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that she is the love of my life. And this love for her has taken me through some major relationship growing pains. 2011 has been an extremely rough relationship year for me. It has pushed me into places I was scared to venture. I made a lot of mistakes. It seems I felt everything, but nothing more than fear and confusion.

♫...Tell me why would you love to make me smile,

when you're just gonna leave me craving?...♫

~Joss Stone~

I have learned a lot from my relationship with Jazz. I am still learning, and I will keep learning. I feel more mature about our relationship than I did one year ago.

The number one thing I have learned is to fucking TALK!!! COMMUNICATE in a straight and forward way!!!! Open your damn mouth and express what the hell you are pissed about. The shit that comes out of assuming, guessing, and hinting is massive. Keeping quiet eats away at a relationship like termites, and then you don't know what the hell caused your seemingly solid home to fall in on itself.

Jazz and I are not yet back together, but we are "close". We have started over and are moving forward at a slower pace giving time to make sure the mending is complete.

So, I am in a state of being single yet attached.

Is our relationship the same as before?
Hell NO, but that is NOT a bad thing. I feel like when we get back together, we will be inseparable.

Is Jazz in love with me?
Absolutely Yes! I don't wonder about that. She would have been gone long ago if she wasn't.

Will we get back together?
Everything seems to lead to "Yes" and "Soon" but you never know... I'm am braced.

Where do I see SweetJazz one year from now?

My Fairy Tale: engaged

My Reality: Do fairy tales exist?

To be continued...

♫Another day has gone, I'm still all alone.

How could this be? You're not here with me?...♫

♫...Whisper three words, and I'll come runnin'.

Girl, you know that I'll be there...♫

Lessons: #2

2011-09-17T11:13:00.000-05:00

To me, the worst kind of barrier is the invisible.

The ones that allow me to see through with perfect clarity, yet prevent me from getting to, touching, feeling.

I see assurance, I run fast, I collide with the unseen... hard.
I fly back, I fall down... hard.

I am dazed. I am hurt. I am confused.

Lesson 2:
Even though I see safety and comfort, I need to never COMPLETELY drop my guard because situations are not always what they appear to be. I need to not assume conclusions based only on one sense or pain, confusion, and disappointment will result.

For my own protection, always have some level of caution with EVERYBODY, especially those who mean the most to me. Their pain hurts the worst.

I'm not saying I won't trust, I am saying that from now on I will always be... braced.

♫...Every day is so wonderful,

then suddenly it's hard to breathe...♫

~Christina Aguilera~

Lessons:#1

2011-09-13T07:17:00.000-05:00

Lesson #1

No matter what I do, how hard I try, or how long I wait with positive and good intentions... the sentiment of my actions won't mean as much to others as it means to me.

This has been taught, retaught, and taught again to me all in hard ways.

Now, I finally understand.

The romantic in me is disappointed, but this doesn't mean that I will change my God given good heart. It just means I won't have anymore fairy tale, golden rule expectations of people... including my very much loved ones.

Again

2011-09-08T07:24:00.000-05:00

The sun is illuminating my world again.
Everything is shiny and bright again.
My eyes are taking in the beauty again.

The birds are singing love songs again.
My ears are tuned in to the beauty again.

The flowers are blooming again.
My nose breathes in the perfumes again.

I am here in this place again.
I am alive again.

It feels like before, yet with the difference of added wisdom.

A new beginning that won't be wasted... again.

Exhale

2011-09-07T06:21:00.001-05:00

The emotions this girl is capable of making me feel... they are so intense on both ends of the spectrum.

You see, I felt that familiar rush yesterday of the SweetJazz high.

Her words to me were so simple, yet if you saw me in the store after I had read them, you would have thought I'd just won a billion dollars!

My legs got weak, and I just wanted to sit on the ground in the middle of the isle where I was standing and giggle and cry at the same time while clutching my phone to my chest. My cheeks were burning red hot from blushing. (My body physically reacts to her. How does she do that? *sigh* I am sooooo in love!)

What had come over me was this tremendous sense of RELIEF. But why THESE particular words? Why could I now stop holding my breath and finally start breathing again?

Well, it is simple. Those few words let me know that... I matter to her, I'm cared for by her, and I'm loved by her.

And that SweetJazz is on its way to having its second chance!

Attention

2011-09-05T19:53:00.001-05:00

♫...So many times I tried to tell you that you were losing me...♫

~Emily King~

Attention.
I need you to pay it to me.
Can you spare it, your time?
For me?

A moment or two or few to refresh what's important, to refill on love.

A moment to focus
Another to converse.
(A smile.)

A moment to hear.
Another to feel.
(A touch.)

A moment to nourish.
Another to cherish.
(A kiss.)

A moment to build.
Another to secure.
(A hug.)

And just one more moment to seal with... "I love you."

That is all I ask.
Can you manage?

Distractions, Distractions, Distractions.
They lead astray, cause you to forget.

Do you think of me?
Do you remember me?
Do you know that I need you?

You say you do.
Then how can you just carry on?

It is amazing how much you can lose when you don't pay attention... and someone else does.

♫...Spend your time on me.

Please, Baby...♫

~Duffy~

Experience

2011-09-05T09:33:00.001-05:00

I long to experience...

I am in love... with a city.

Feminine to me, I am attracted to her, drawn to her. The way she speaks, how she looks. And although my interests have fueled my study of her, I have only admired her from afar, experiencing her surface... her beautiful outside perspectives. She is still foreign to me. I have never seen her moon and her sun, heard her unique sounds, smelled her after the rain, touched her lively places at night, or tasted her sweet and savory offerings. I have never felt the deepness of intimacy with her, the ease of belonging within her.

Will she live up to my expectations of her?

I long to experience...

I am in love... with a woman.

I am attracted to her, drawn to her. The way she speaks, the way she presents herself. My interest has fueled my study of her. I have admired her from great distances and up-close personal, experiencing her surface and her depth... her puzzling panoramic of perspectives. Yet, she is still foreign to me. I have never seen her dance to rhythms, heard her preach God's love, smelled her favorite scent, touched her lips with mine before the public's eye, or tasted her special velvet cake. I have never felt the deepest of her intimacy. I know I belong there... with her, within her.

Will she love me with the same intensity that I love her?

I long to experience... within... her.

Positivity

2011-09-04T10:41:00.000-05:00

I am prepared for the negative, but I will expect the positive.

I will readily come to you wrapped completely in positivity. I will think postive. I will speak positive. I will touch you with my positive attitude. I will demonstrate that I believe in you, in me, in us, that we can make it.

And it will be up to you... to be honored and moved or to let me go.

I will be positive. I will look for your light that will lead me back to your heart.

I am prepared for the dark, but I will expect your positive light.

♫...And now I'll wait for the light. I'll wait for the sun...♫

"...Waiting is the hardest thing.

I tell myself that if I believe in you, in the dream of you,

With all my heart and all my soul,

That by SHEER FORCE OF WILL,

I will raise you from the ground,

And without a sound you'll appear and surrender to me,

To love..."

Loyalty

2011-09-04T09:10:00.000-05:00

I wonder why I am so loyal. It has never worked for me. My love has no value, my actions have no impact, my word means nothing, and my presence is not required.

In fact, it's only when I don't give a fuck anymore that I seem to matter at all.

So, why do I bother with you? Why am I still here being loyal to you?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote those words during a time of chaotic uncertainty, a low time when I felt that I had been trying SO hard, and everything I was doing to save what was important to me seemed futile. MY heart was now broken as well after realizing how with such casual ease I could be tossed aside instead of given a chance to make things right. It was like I never had any value. I felt worthless.

Yet, I still kept holding on because I... believed.

I am loyal. I am loyal to the point of stupidity. The words of commitment I make are sincere, and I take them seriously. It is hard for me to just walk away even when I'm being treated like shit.

Why?

Because I understand that relationships and people are not perfect.
Because I understand that people change over time and with change comes the pain of growth.
Because since I said my love words with such truth, I believe the love words said to me are truth. If you tell me the love is strong, I believe you. If you tell me you will never leave me, I believe you. Why would someone lie about that? Maybe I am still immature in some of my views of people. I blame it on being raised sheltered. (I AM maturing though!)

So where has my loyalty led me?

It has led me to people feeling sorry for me because I have no family at my age. YES! Someone actually said to me, "Oh! I'm sorry!" and rubbed my back when I told her I had no husband and no children.

~__~

It has led me (for the second time) into this dreadful place of longing and loneliness, and I sit here day after day not saying a word just... waiting... waiting for something to happen.

I have learned a lesson the hard way.

So now what?

I decided to leave this depressing place for good, and so now I am at a crossroads where either my heart will continue to be loyal and grow fonder once it is tended to, adored, and loved once again OR as an attempt to survive and leave behind the harshness of a one-sided love, my heart will walk away and cease to remember who you are and the intimate bond we once shared.

I know what I want, but which way will I go?

I don't know right now, but I will know very soon...

♫♫...My heart belongs to you,

And I don't know what to do...

If I'm a part of you and you're a part of me,

Then why can't we talk it out and bring it back to we?

You said forever you'd never leave. It's worth more than everything.

And that's what I believe.

But the choices you're making are breaking us up.

You're making it hard to identify love.

I'm tryna keep us together.

The only way to make it better is

Don't let me be Alone...♫♫

~Ledisi~

Quote of the Day

2011-08-27T18:07:00.000-05:00

"...If you love her, kiss her..."

from Edie & Thea: A Very Long Engagement

Edie & Thea is a documentary I just watched about a lesbian couple that got engaged in the 1960s and were able to finally get married approximately forty years later. I really enjoyed watching this. It touched my heart to listen to the two of them talk about their lasting love for each other. I mean just watch them. Watch Edie take care of Thea who developed M.S. in her forties... truth of love at its best. Watch how Thea just looks at Edie like she is the greatest thing of beauty she has ever seen... she was still so IN love with her at the time the documentary was filmed!

It was interesting to me how Thea came up with the "engagement pin". This was a pin that was a ring of diamonds that Edie wore as her engagement ring instead of the traditional ring on her finger so people WOULDN'T ask "Who is your fiance?"

Recently when New York voted to allow gay marriage, there was an older lesbian couple who got married and for days I wondered what their story was. I am glad I found this documentary so that I could get a glimpse of what it was like for those women who for decades held true to themselves and their love while they waited for society to catch up to them.

Lyric of the Day

2011-08-27T14:04:00.000-05:00

♫...I know you feel like I feel.

That's why we've got a love that's real, yeah.

So let's keep on groovin' the way we do.

Let's just keep on movin' if we're gonna make it through...♫

~Gladys Knight & The Pips~

Knowing

2011-08-20T17:29:00.000-05:00

Since you really know ME, then you would know that I really don't know YOU... anymore.

Do you notice that you don't care to share, that you leave me by myself to figure out then get frustrated when I'm confused and don't understand?

Why do you get to know ME so well, and about YOU I get to know nothing?

This situation will change. Your addition or my subtraction?

This all depends on your actions.

And just so you clearly know, I want to know you again or you won't know ME... anymore

A Subtraction

2011-08-14T13:23:00.000-05:00

I have not been over here in a week. I really haven't had anything to express... nothing that belongs HERE anyway.

I now feel closed up here. I know why, and I'm not sure if it is just a momentary or permanent feeling. I think I will begin to use this blog just to express less personal feelings... especially subtracting my depth of emotions concerning my relationship with Jazz. That relationship means a lot to me (it is so precious to me), and more and more I want to keep my intimacy of it private. Infiltrations that mean to harm need to be exterminated.

*sigh* The stupid games some people play really display to me that their lives are so sad. I mean really... who finds amusement in messing with other people's love and happiness like a toy besides sad, fucked up people who should just go fuck themselves with a knife then die?

For a split second I'm like, "WTF!!!!" Then I just didn't care to give such worthless people my energy because that is exactly what they want to drown out their own sad, empty loneliness... DRAMA.

I'd rather spend my energy on worthwhile efforts like my relationship that is repairing itself and will thrive despite destructive efforts of shitty people.

Anyway, I will still blog here I just have another place to express my intimate feelings about my relationship now, and I feel completely open there the way I used to here.

Quote of the Day

2011-08-07T19:18:00.000-05:00

"I ache... for who we were."

~from Paris, Je T'aime~

Those Eyes

2011-08-07T14:08:00.000-05:00

This photograph of my celebrity crush is a favorite and used to be my desktop background. To myself, I used to call it simply "The Eyes".

I absolutely love eyes although it is hard for me to look into them, and I shrink from their direct attention. I am shy of their potential intensity. They are so powerful to me. They probe and read. They tell stories. They talk revealing thoughts, feelings, intentions, the truth. They are profound.

I was thinking of Jazz when I typed that. Her eyes are these things to me and pretty to me. They were always looking at me, studying me. They made me feel all kinds of ways: sexy, nervous, safe, important, silly, naked... loved. They were definitely readers of my stories.

And when we were up-close, and I would have the nerve to look back into them, I'd see her and I'd fall... every time.

♫...Soft, heavenly eyes gazed into me, transcending space and time...♫

~Mariah Carey~

Which?

2011-08-05T12:11:00.000-05:00

♫You took my hand, you showed me how. You promised me you'd be around.

I took your words, and I believed in everything you said to me...♫

~Pink~

What happens when the one I love and believe in with such intensity is silent, absent in my life, our life, our world?

When with little explanation I'm suddenly left alone in our field of bliss to myself for hours upon hours, days and days, month to month to contemplate over and over:

She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me? She loves me not?

Does my 'heart grow fonder" of its Love? Does it magically keep growing without being fed? Does it miraculously stay sweet and cheery, understanding and caring, patient and long suffering? Does the Love stay in the spotlight attractive, vivid, and bright until the mysterious day of reciprocation is chosen?

♫...And time makes it harder.

I wish I could remember...♫

~Pink~

Or
Does my heart begin to forget its direction, intention with its Love? Does it nonchalantly begin to shut down its massive production because nothing can be seen clearly... or heard accurately... or felt deeply anymore? Does my Love fade into the shadow of failed attempts, forever lost, no longer conscious of what once made it the center?

Or
Does my heart get frustrated with its Love? Does it give up because it is constantly hurt from not being worthy of trust and need, exhausted from numerous futile efforts, and bored from the same damn responses and excuses? Is it tired of letting opportunities pass while it continues to believe in and hold on to dreams that never seem to come to fruition? Does it move on?

Or
Does my heart get angry with its Love and just not give a shit anymore? Pissed because it foolishly falls for false hope and irritated because it is the only one existing in a world built for two, does it take a bat to what once was cherished and precious and just fuck up everything it worked hard to securely build, damaging it beyond repair? Does it answer a questioning stare with a shrug and a "What?" then just walk away?

Which is it? Which should it be? Which is happening to me?

The Covers

2011-08-02T11:42:00.002-05:00

Don't just stand there and hover.

Come lay with me here in this place...

The place where we can block out the distractions of the world, and it just be us two.

The place where we can be warmed and comforted from the cold harshness of reality.

The place where we entagle ourselves: leg over leg, fingers between fingers, body to body, face to face, smile to smile.

The place where we talk and joke, tickle and giggle.

The place where our love bubbles to the surface, shown vividly through our eyes.

The place where the mood suddenly shifts as our eyes now stare up-close at lips.

The place where our physical love begins to flow with a slow, desire inciting kiss.

The place where touches turn to caresses, and our moans of excitement are amplified.

The place where we eventually wrap our arms and fall into dreams surrounded in peace.

Don't just stand there and hover.

Come lay with me here in this place... under the covers.

"...We should take the time to be in love..."

Lady Likes #3

2011-08-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

I decided to do a series of posts on my non-sexual female crushes. These are women I have/ had a crush on in one way or another, but in no way do/ did I look at them with any amount of sexual lust.

Esperanza Spalding

I respect her musical abilities and enjoy her music. Her voice and playing are very soothing and relaxing to me.

Plus she posseses one of my favorite afros.

I really like this painting that she inspired.

Show Me the Music

2011-08-01T12:39:00.000-05:00

Sparked by a blog post on one of my favorite soul music sites, I have decided to share just some of my favorite album cover art that came immediately to mind. I will continue to share as I remember others.

I am very much into the album (or cd) experience. I like flipping through the booklet looking at the pictures, reading the lyrics and "thank you"s. That is why I still like buying the actual albums/cds of my favorite musical artists instead of just downloading it.

I am a visual person, so for ME, (along with the title of the entire work) the cover art is my first impression of the music within. It should set the mood for the music. It should be the visual representation for the music. It should make me WANT to listen to the entire thing. Unfortunately, SOME artists these days just do not take the time to consider this extension of their musical creativity anymore. It should receive just as much thought as the videos if not more because this visual is for the ENTIRE body of work. My opinion.

Some favorites for obvious reasons and others. Look at them. Can you see/feel the music? I can.

Lyric of the Day

2011-08-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

"...I wanna kiss you in Paris..."

~Madonna~

My Song of the Day

2011-07-31T14:39:00.000-05:00

Although he will ALWAYS get the side-eye from me, I really do luv this song.

♫...If you give me half a chance, I'll win.

I'll never leave you standing out in the rain.

But, if you think that I could look you in the face and lie right through my teeth,

then turn around and walk away...♫

The Wounds of Words

2011-07-31T13:07:00.000-05:00

They probably don't even remember, but I do.

That insult repeats over and over inside my head every. single. day... the cruelest declaration that has ever been directed towards me, delivering an impact that took my breath away, a bit of life out of me.

That was the intention at that time by its speaker, to hurt me, knock me out even, and they succeeded ONLY because my love for them is great.

But maybe what they didn't intend was the lasting impact. Something was never quite the same...

I would never think to tell them this because there would be no point. What's done is done. I don't speak to them much anymore anyway. When I do, it is easy to conceal because they never look too close. If they did take the time, they would easily see it in the place that always reveals... the eyes.

Please, take care with what you say... especially to those you love. Because though you may never see the evidence of it, words can damage and most definitely kill.

I have learned that lesson... the hard way unfortunately.

My Song of the Day

2011-07-28T19:58:00.000-05:00

Patience in Love

2011-07-28T15:09:00.000-05:00

♫...I will wait for you like I always do.

There's something there that can't compare

with any other...♫

~George Michael~

She said to me, "I Love You." I said to her, "I Love You."

And then my mistakes were made. I let her down, and she was so extremely MAD at me.

♫...I'm crossed out. I'm kicked out...♫

~Ashlee Simpson~

We were being tested with our first jostle out of the fairy tale into the world of imperfect humanity.

And when others would have so easily given up, walked away, stayed away, I kept clinging and waiting, even though it was so frustratingly hard and torturous to hang on to her. But I realized this was the pain meant for the gain and for all her meanness towards me I knew she just would never give up on us like that.

Nobody will be able to (and I don't expect them to) really understand WHY except her and me alone.

And now... NOW I feel that my patience with our situation is finally about to pay off in a major way, in the only way I believed it would...

"Love is patient."

~1Corinthians 13:4~

The Longest Time

2011-07-27T22:13:00.000-05:00

Six months. A chunk of time that could seem to be either long or short depending on the situation and the person.

The Person: me (my Kariss side)

The Situation: no sex

The Conclusion: This is a hell of a long ass time!

This IS the longest time I have gone without sex in YEARS, and I want to scream! What really makes it the worst is that my last sexual experiences (which were with Jazz of course) were SO fucking great! I think about them and her all. the. time. I miss being with her in that way... OUR intimate way.

My desire for her has had all this time to build up to a level that makes me feel... intoxicated and super sensitive whenever I think of her (I mean... if we ever get together again, she may only have to kiss me!) which leads me to the actions of my current sexual life that can be reflected best in the following visual rather than me typing a thousand words:

*SIGH* Although meant to relieve me of my built up tension, it only makes me want her more.

*Random Thoughts: I wonder if a person can actually hurt themselves from having too many orgasms. I really should be glowing.

I always wondered if our last time was actually our last time.

Maybe not...

Lyric of the Day

2011-07-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

♫...Speak to me in real space and time, somtimes. Please.

Touch me in real space and time, sometimes. Please.♫

~Ursula Rucker~

A Hanging Moment

2011-07-26T13:03:00.000-05:00

In the state of belief, I was still at your door... on the outside of it, leaning close against it, with darkness all around me except for that light of Hope that streamed from beneath.

Then, it suddenly happened...

I saw your shadow emerge within the light from underneath and heard the sound of your protective locks being carefully unfastened.

And now with my eyes wide, heart racing, and body shaking in shocked excitement, I hold my breath, suspended in a moment of anticipation as I watch the doorknob slowly turn...

Lyric of the Day

2011-07-25T15:53:00.003-05:00

♫...Listen to your heart...♫

~Roxette~

Lyric of the Day

2011-07-24T09:09:00.000-05:00

♫...I cannot play myself again,

I should just be my own best friend...♫

~Amy Winehouse~

Get Tough

2011-07-22T18:55:00.000-05:00

I am WAY too sensitive. It seriously bothers me if I feel someone doesn't like me or is irritated with me in any way. It is extremely ridiculous. How did I get this way? I am sure it comes from a deep need to please and be accepted. This is probably another reason why I keep to myself so much. I hate being this way.

The occurrences of me dealing with rude people seem to have increased lately, and I am trying to figure out why. One reason that came to mind is that maybe I am being... prepared.

How the hell am I going to live what is considered an alternative lifestyle being so damn sensitive? A quote from a lesbian movie just came to mind:

"...What are you going to do

when the really mean mutherfuckers have something to say?..."

~When Night is Falling~

I've never experienced heckling and ridicule for my sexuality. What will I do? What will I do when I kiss my girlfriend, hug her, stand close to her, and/or hold her hand in public and somebody has something cruel to say in response? Am I going to be hurt and cry about it (which is what they want) or am I going to just let it roll off me because I understand that it isn't me but really THEM with the problem?

Yes, I think that it is possible that I am being "toughened up" so that I'm able to deal with insensitive, ignorant people for the sake of living a happy life with THE ONE I so deeply love.

I have a journey.

Lyric of the Day

2011-07-22T17:58:00.000-05:00

♫...I just want it to be you and me

like it used to be, baby...♫

~Erykah Badu~

The Shelf

2011-07-22T00:07:00.001-05:00

I HATE being in love with someone and not being able to show the love. I have to keep all signs of it to myself for an undetermined amount of time. I feel so small and insignificant... like an annoying, worthless nothing to the loved person and a dumb desperate to everyone else.

This is the SECOND time my affections have been placed here... on the "WAIT" shelf with no attention given, not even acknowledged, collecting dust, presence taken for granted. It is dark here. It is a low feeling knowing that I am not a top five thought. MAYBE not even in the top twenty. I hate the word "forgot".

Oh, she'll always be there. Other things are way more important right now than her. She's not going anywhere.

And I cannot complain because I took whatever position was offered and allowed the value of my feelings to be reduced from shiny specialty to dusty junk. I suffer because I so completely believe in what I love and hang on to any form of hope. I always rationalize to myself: "Oh, DON'T BE SELFISH! It won't be much longer. They have to do this right now. They have to do that right now. They will see me wilting, slowly dying over here. And they care. They won't just leave me here to die. They care. They love me. They care. They love me. Soon they will stop and... remember me, bring me back into the light and energy of their love and life and bask in mine in returned appreciation. And everything will be strong, true, and secure again. Everything will be okay. Just WAIT a little longer..."

I am very much aware that my situation is my fault and that I very well could be delusional... I definitely was last time.

But although it lasts for quite a long, long time over here on the "WAIT" shelf (never as long as last time), eventually my love (once deep, strong, and alive) does spoil away into nonexistence.

And no matter how much resuscitation is attempted, I'm done.

I don't want to be done... I hope I'm remembered.

Visual Pleasures

2011-07-21T15:47:00.001-05:00

A few random delights my eyes took to while wandering.

I only see the sexual side of this. I immediately thought of some fragment of a memory (that was branded there from the searing shock of it) of seeing and hearing Phylicia Rashad on some show saying something about "...dew on my petal...". This was my first clear association (I was younger) with flowers and beads of water to the sexual arousal of a woman's intimate.

I like little figures like this of women/womanly forms in different poses. I really, really like the pose of this figure. She looks like she is listening to music... records on a phonograph maybe? (In case you haven't noticed, I like to make up scenerios or whatever about art. It probably wasn't what the artist intended, but it is what I saw.)

I also like how the feminine character here has some meat on her bones (boobs and ass... I enjoy curvy!). What I don't like is the color. I wonder how this would look in bronze.

My favorite era from the past is the 1920s most specifically in Paris, France (of course) which I have learned was known as "The Crazy Years". For some reason, I just love the atmosphere of that time. It was like one big jazz party that seemed to last almost an entire decade. And everything was out in the open, in Paris at least. LGBT reigned mighty there.

I like the photograph above for two reasons: it reminds me of this time but mostly I like the pose a lot. The draped loose fabric draw my eyes to her hips more than her bare boobs. She's like "Yeah! I know I'm sexy! Look at me!" Lol... gosh I'm so silly! I call this Sexy Hips. Lol

Okay, and I surely cannot bring up 1920s Paris, France without mentioning the person who for me is synonymous with it...

The two sides of Josephine Baker. Got to love a touch of versitility.

I really like these two pictures of her... very attractive to me. I have her biography which I have yet to read, but based on what I've seen it just seems to me that she would have been so much fun to hang out with. She looks like she had a lot of energy. You know... she was bisexual so of course she holds a soft spot in my liking just for that! I like her name too... Josephine.

Oh, and I like this one too. The pretty smile, drape of the pearls... Okay, I admit to a tiny crush on 1920s Josephine Baker.

For women, seems like shirts or tops of any sort were not the norm during this time, at least at night. Probably another reason why I like it so much... a lot of bared chests!

Lyric of the Day

2011-07-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

♫...I tell you I'm fine, but sometimes I just pretend.

Wish you were holding me.

Wish you were still holding me...♫

~Chicago~

Lady Likes #2

2011-07-19T13:58:00.000-05:00

I decided to do a series of posts on my non-sexual female crushes. These are women I have/ had a crush on in one way or another, but in no way do/ did I look at them with any amount of sexual lust.

Dorothy Dandridge

My Favorite Photograph

OMG, Look at her!!! Breathtaking!!!! This woman was so beautiful and talented! You would think someone like this would have all the confidence in the world. The truth was she was shy and suffered from low self-esteem. She kept to herself a lot. Her aloofness came off to people around her (who didn't really know her) as snobbishness (something I can identify with).

When I was reading about her life, I was really rooting for her, that she would find true love, that her talent would be accepted and taken seriously, that she would end high. How all of these things were not to be for her placed sorrow in my heart.

(*Side Note: Did you know her Mama was bisexual? Her lover's name was Geneva. They lived together and raised Dorothy and her sisters.)

I will always adore the great Dorothy Dandridge!

(1922-1965)

She's My King

2011-07-18T16:57:00.000-05:00

Versatility is in her ways, yet her masculine side dominates displaying qualities of only the best of what's associated with the opposite sex. Mixed with the knowledge of what it takes to love a girl, what it feels like for a girl... there's none better. She's king.

Get caught in her gaze and that charming confidence takes flight. That walk. That talk... so smooth and sexy, subtle and bold. It all flows out naturally. I am helpless to the seduction in her flirtatious wink... her conversation captivating, her touch sensuous, her moves suggestive.

She takes my hand to hold as she listens to learn, understand, what it takes to love me personally, perfectly, to the highest degree. Romantic and chivalrous always in her actions towards me, I feel like THE most important, special lady.

Endlessly passionate and imaginative in her physical loving of me, she consistently offers me a vibrantly erotic experience.

A resourceful mastermind, no doubt I'll always be taken care of. She surrounds me in security. Her shield of protection is a never faltering certainty.

So much more than a boi. She reigns as my king.

STET

2011-07-17T14:57:00.001-05:00

"...I'd be all right if you would leave me to it, back the fuck off...

You tell me one more time how I should live I swear I'll bite your head off..."

~Ashlee Simpson~

I hate the feeling of someone trying to run my life. Not suggesting, but forcing me to their standard of what is right and wrong.

Whenever ~~someone~~ Mama tells me what I ~~should or shouldn't~~ need to or need not to do, I immediately want to do the opposite of whatever it is ~~they~~ she say(s).

Example: She says I shouldn't go to Paris by myself. "It's too dangerous." So, of course I want to go by myself more than ever.

Now, I know my mother loves me. And I love her, but I have major rebellion isses with her because she spent my formative years restricting me, winding me up in her ideals, preventing ME from breathing free and developing into what was meant to be. And when who I really was tried to wiggle out, she'd snap it back in place with her correction whip of fear and guilt.

To this day, although she goes about it in a different way, she is still trying to control aspects of my life including my sexuality. Yes, understands my feelings for women, but she has made it clear that she would never favor my relationship with a woman. I feel like screaming and breaking things in a hysterical fit when she says, "You are being deceived. Now... you know what's right, true, and real. You've been taught. You 'need to' fight these feelings."

She's trying to wind me back up again. I won't lie. I do sometimes feel myself giving up and letting the conformation overtake me again... "Well, maybe she is right." Especially since I have no one and feel so alone.

But, I do not want to not be myself anymore. I want to be strong and continue to unravel from her perception of correct back into who I am and not be scared to be completely okay with it.

STET

Easier said than done.

*STET= proofreader's term (Latin) meaning let stand; to ignore correction; what is marked for omission/ change is to remain as original

Caress

2011-07-14T21:49:00.000-05:00

"...You're so close but still a world away..."

~Madonna~

Now Attentive. You are near. Within sight. I can see you.
Yet
Still Hesitant. You are far. Outside touch. I can't feel you.

Don't stay there.
Move closer. Closer to me.
Reach out to touch us. Again.

Light traces of affection. Brushes of lips. Strokes of fingers' tips.
Slow gestures of sensation that let us know how deep it all goes.

Come closer. Closer to me.
Reach out to feel us. Again.
Please, stay here.

Etcetera...

2011-07-13T21:27:00.000-05:00

I LOVE my blog journal. I really, really do. Today, I took some time to actually look at it and through some of it. It visually pleases me so much. I like hanging out here. It is like my own little room complete with my posters on the wall. Every single piece of everything (text, music, visual, color) is so ME. My thoughts, feelings, urges, emotions.

I read some past posts, and I was like "Really? You shared THAT? I'm so embarassed." (It is mostly the sexual stuff. My Lady side talking to my Kariss side. I think this blog belongs more to Kariss than Lady anyway.)

Read this:
You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day... This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be. This is the place of creative incubation. At first you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen.
~JOSEPH CAMPBELL~ via Advice to Writers

I am SO glad this place exists for me.

So Random: Just now I happened to look at the mug I've been drinking out of and noticed that it is less than half way on the table! I mean if I stare at it too hard it will fall. Looks cool.

ANYWAY... Lol

As I am typing this, I am singing. I love to sing. Some people like to dance. That's Jazz. But, I like to sing. It makes me feel... like I'm sure dancing makes her feel.

So, I read this article the other day about Bisexuality vs. Fluidity. Never heard of Fluidity as a "sexual orientation".

Before, I saw being fluid as the ability to be emotionally and/ or physically attracted to both genders. This misconception is the reason why it is often mistaken for bisexuality.

Basically (from what I understand), fluidity is an unfixed flow through the sexual orientations/ a change of sexuality. This means a person could be truly heterosexual at one point in her/ his life, then because of any variety of factors, her/his "desires transform" and sexuality flows to bisexual or homosexual or whatever. It could flow around many times or not. For these people, their sexuality depends on the circumstance/ situation. Bisexual is just one sexuality a fluid person could identify as.

Don't confuse this with those people who repress their true sexuality. Like me. My sexuality would not be defined as fluid. I just acknowledged what was always there. Nothing CHANGED.

*Sigh* Why must everything be defined? It is so exhausting keeping up with it all... like "LGBT" being extended to damn near every letter in the alphabet it seems. I guess it comes from a need for some people to understand what the hell is going on... which really I can understand.

And what about the lesbian/bisexual relationship? In regards to sex, will the lesbian in the relationship ever trust/ or always question the bisexual's wants and needs?

This intimate scene (which I luv) from The L Word with my favorite couple from that show, Bette (lesbian) and Tina (bisexual), portrays what ~~was~~ is true for me when I was (and hopefully will be again) a part of SweetJazz.

Bette: Were you turned on by him?

Tina: No... This is you.

Listen to this: I luv this song!

For Jazz (of course!)

Typing...

2011-07-12T23:02:00.001-05:00

Hell-o!
How is it with you?

I'm calm, yet holding my breath. I hope I don't pass out and die.

OH!!! Listen to this...

"...Tryin' ain't no use..."

and this...

Her voice just caught me.

What else...

My ex boyfriend is tap, tap, tapping me on the shoulder via random texts. This is all right. I'm open to being friends with him. I've entered that space. I just need him to keep it there. That last text... -___-

Remember this...

My favorite Alicia in honor of her ten year anniversary of S.I.A.M.

And look at this sexy...

Luv the glasses. I want to slide in there with him, lean my back against his chest, and have him read to me.

Oh... my...

DAMN! Okay, Lenny Kravitz is officially my number one male crush. He does it for me. He makes me so hot. He has all this sexual energy just radiating around him. The vibes I get from him scream SEX! I just want him to...

Ummm, it's bedtime. I'mma go have some fun.

Visual Pleasure #10

2011-07-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

The colors behind her are cool, yet she sits on warmth.

She's naked/revealed, yet closed off, bent into herself.

What's the story? I wonder...

I need to stare a little bit more.

I might update this later.

M.S.O.T.D.

2011-07-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

My Song of the Day: The Glamorous Life ~Sheila E.~

I luved this damn song as a little girl. Didn't know what the hell I was singing though... as usual.

I can't be the only one that went through a Sheila E. phase. Lol... Yes, for a moment in time I wanted to be a kick-ass drummer just like her. Luckily for my mama, this was a short phase (one hit wonder). I moved on to my singing phase (which might have been worse... depends on who you ask. Lol) That lasted much longer. In fact, I still think I'm in it. These days in addition to singing to my lovely cat on a daily basis (probably one of the reasons why she hates me), I perform my concerts while driving in my car. Only those privileged enough to pull up next to me at the red light get the honor of hearing my rare live performances.

Wow, the fashion... looks like costumes now. I can only imagine how crazy I looked trying to imitate... especially my look during my Madonna phase. SMH... a hot mess.

LOL at the James Brown moment.

The Greatest Kiss

2011-07-06T18:53:00.000-05:00

So since it is World Kiss Day, I feel the need to tell you very simply that...

I want to smell the fragrance of your open flower,
Then touch my tongue to its hidden tower.

I want to taste the flow that rushes from your hidden place,
And feel the splash of that waterfall on my face.

With you only I want to share what is missed... the greatest kiss,
One given in French.

Just Typing

2011-07-01T20:19:00.000-05:00

Hello.

How is it?

Have you heard this?

Mmmm, I adore Joss Stone and her voice! I feel everything she sings. Instead of soul, it seems like she is going for a rock sound on this new record (The new album, LP1, comes out July 26), but that's okay. She can do no wrong with me.

What else?

I'm moving forward with my trip to Paris next year. I have stashed my first batch of vacation fund money, and I am going to the passport office next week. I am so excited and deeply scared at the same time. I have NEVER done something like this before. Go across the world... BY MYSELF! But I want to do it. I want to so bad. I feel I need to do this for myself. Why? I don't know. I hope everything works out. So far, so good.

Jazz is still here with me. She is trying to open up, and I am trying to be patient. She knows how I am. I want everything now, but she is taking her time, and I respect that. She is worth the wait, but it just seems that I am always waiting, waiting, waiting... to love and be loved. I'm so tired of waiting sometimes. I feel the seconds of my life are ticking away, and I have no one to spend them with in love. What a waste. Why do we have to wait for tomorrow when it may never come? Then we regret wasting the time we did have to show love and to be loved.

I just don't want to wake up one day and it has been another ten years of my life, and I have nothing. I am loyal like that.

My last fortune cookie said: Love is on its way. I really, really, really hope so. I'm looking out the window.

Right now as I type this, I am sad. I have sadness because I have absolutely no one real and trustworthy in my life that I can talk to... about Jazz, about my sexuality... that GETS it. Nobody understands.

I went out to lunch with Bookie, Soul, and Country last week and of course we they start talking about relationships and sex like always. Relationship discussion is okay I guess, but when it comes to sex talk this time I realized while we were talking about how to suck dick (Country is new at it and we were giving her basic training), I have nothing current to add. I have to refer to my past sex with The Ex. But most importantly, IT ISN'T WHAT I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.

I don't care about dicks right now. I can't relate because I'm in love with a woman, so I want to talk about women and how sexy they are and how crazy they make me feel, and everything about pussy. Like they talk about their partner sexually, I want to talk about Jazz and the things we do. But for my straight friends, another woman's pussy isn't their interest, so I don't bring it up.

I've realized that I need a gay friend (bisexual even better), someone I can trust to talk to. Someone who doesn't just accept it, but understands WHY I am attracted to women, someone who is familar with how it feels to love, be in a relationship, and be intimate with a woman.

Oh, and another thing that irritated me while hanging out with my straight friends last week was this: We were watching a movie and there was a scene where a girl was topless. Why was it assumed that I was turned on by this (I was not by the way. I'm attracted to certain types of women and blonde sluts are not in this category)? It really pissed me off that they teased me about the topless girl, and I said to them that just like you aren't attracted to every man you see, I'm not attracted to every woman I see. I guess they could tell I was irritated by the tone of my whisper, so they let it drop.

Anyway *rolls eyes* now I feel irritated again.... Oh, and horny, but I guess you already knew that one.

That is all.

Missed Kiss

2011-06-27T21:23:00.000-05:00

Our Kiss is missed.

A signature of love/ An expression of affection,
I kiss You kiss Me, incessantly.

I remember...

Genuine and Playful

Random and Intentional

Adoring and Intimate

Soft and Warm

Sweet and Passionate

Deep and Slow

Intense and Stunning

Lingering

Tingling...

I remember.

I kiss You kiss Me, incessantly,
A signature of love/ An expression of affection.

Our Kiss is missed.

A Vent

2011-06-27T14:33:00.000-05:00

Okay, I am a person who will take and have taken a lot of shit from people I care about and love and who "supposedly" feel the same about me, but there IS one thing that stands above the rest in terms of the line that I draw.

I hate, hate, HATE being deceived, and I hate, hate, HATE being made to look like a fool/ to be treated like I'm stupid... on purpose... with evil intention. Whatever!

Hurtful lies that allow you to "have your cake and eat it too"... petty, dumb ass lies that don't even need to be told... putting together a STORY of events that just. don't. add. up... REALLY? You expect me to believe that? You expect me to not question that... with all the gaps you have up in there (omission of important details holds the same weight as a lie to me)? I wasn't even worth the time for you to put together a well thought out plot of deception? I am worthy only of a Dr. Seuss lie that even a kindergartener could see straight the fuck through?

It lets me know that 1.) You do not hold me in high regard and/or 2.) You don't trust me, AND 3.) YOU THINK I AM STUPID!

For any ONE of those reasons, I don't need to be in your life and FOR SURE you don't need to be in mine. I mean... what else have you lied about???? What else are you concealing????

Something just rises up inside of me when a person blatantly lies to me or conceals things from me. It is like all my deep feelings mutate into a different form and I see you in a different way and I don't know you anymore and you look grotesque and I don't want to have anything to do with you.

OH!!!! And don't let me KNOW THE TRUTH while I am looking in your face as you tell me a bold face lie. I watch the trasformation of you take place before my eyes. That right there is powerful! I MIGHT stay a little while longer just keep observing, to keep asking questions to see just how creative you can be and how ugly you can possibly look to me. Then BYE!

I've done it a few times in my life.

Now, please know that I am NOT saying that I am Saint T and have never lied or talked around a truth, but I can say that because I hate it so much as an adult, I practice being honest with the people I care about and love as much as I humanly can because I would expect the same in return... even if it hurts.

*sigh* Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I need to go eat my lunch.

Please Stay

2011-06-20T19:44:00.000-05:00

My heart has gotten a burst of renewed energy. It is beating up a storm and... it doesn't hurt! She causes the pain, but she is the only one who can take it away in a flash.

Jazz and I just had THE BEST conversation. There was no darkness, just light. Beautiful light. It was like we were SweetJazz again. It has been soooooo long. I was the goofy one and she was laughing that from the gut, truly tickled laugh. I hadn't heard that since last year. And we were even... flirting! *gasp*

It felt like finally the wall's beginning to slowly disappear.

She was the Jazz that my heart remembers and holds on to. The woman I fell so deeply in love with. I thought she was gone, but she still exists. She showed herself to me today.

My mind thinks I'm stupid. It is fighting to not get too excited. Well, who knows. Maybe this is a game, and I am some type of yo-yo toy to her, but I can't help it, and I don't fucking care. I am crazy for her. I got that crazy love for her and only her. All of the heart pains and aches, ALL OF IT, I would forget in an instant to be with her again. Any hopeful life line she tosses me, I will grab it without hesitation because she's all I want. She's all I need.

I hope she stays. I hope she stays.

Please, please, Jazz, don't go. I've missed you so much. Please. Stay.

OMG... my heart!!!

Played

2011-06-20T06:33:00.001-05:00

"...You have managed to turn me from a woman of substance to THIS."

~Jill Scott~

I wouldn't even have a problem if I didn't love her so much. You see, this fact is a major component for the Yo-Yo game she plays with me.

Her Words Say: I love you; I miss you; You're my best friend; You're not a bother; Stay; Give me time; There is hope.

Her Actions Say: I hate you; I've forgotten you; I don't have time for you; You are nothing to me; You irritate me; Leave me alone; I don't even want to hear your voice; There is no hope; I won't let you in.

The WORDS are just a fleeting whisper in my ear, but are enough to cause me to remember the good times and wish for more. They soothe me. They pull me back to her.

The ACTIONS are more outspoken and have more to say, so they hold my attention. They move me, pierce me to the center of my heart. They hurt me. They make me run away from her.

ACTIONS: run away. WORDS: pull back. ACTIONS: run away. WORDS: pull back.

Why is she doing this to me? Entertainment? Payback?

This game isn't good for me. I'm hurting myself stumbling over my confusion, and all my senses and emotions have been scrambled about. I don't want them to settle out of order.

It is my fault (She would of course agree with me since everything is always my fault.)

I need to stop allowing myself to be played.

"...after being chased, I've been dismissed as just an object,

something to play with..."

~Jill Scott~

Natural Update

2011-06-19T14:02:00.000-05:00

I am so excited about my afro. It is so fluffy now. I love to touch it! Even though my hair takes FOREVER to grow, it has finally gotten to the size and has the look that I envisioned when I first decided to go natural. Now, anything extra is sweet to me.

I am still shy about wearing it full out (same as my sexuality), even though it is not THAT big (of a deal)Lol... mini to medium I would say. I have only done so once. I usually wear headbands or some other form of decoration in it to tame it back, but as people are encouraging me, I am getting more comfortable and free. I feel most definitely that I will wear it out to work even though Mama thinks it would shock the white folk too much. Now you know... I love that shit. Ha! (That's the Aquarius in me...rebels, although my rebellion is passive. You don't notice it, but it pleases me to know and that's enough.)

I am still working out a care and conditioning regimen for it. I haven't quite figured it out yet. It is a lot of trial & error and wasted money. I do know that it responds well to hot oil treatments that have olive oil. I haven't tried shea butter which is a consistent mention with everyone I talk to... natural hair is a real conversation starter I have noticed. Random women with natural hair also will just come up to me and start talking about it. LOL...

Anyway, remember this painting I posted as visual pleasure a couple of months ago that I just adored?

Well, I think I came across the photograph that I am concluding (but have no base in fact) it was inspired by. It looks like it was just painted over or something. I have no idea. I just enjoy gazing at both:

So nice, those eyes, THOSE LIPS!

Musical Pleasure

2011-06-18T13:38:00.001-05:00

OH!!!!! How I adore UK soul music!!!! If you haven't checked out Adele's new album, 21, yet then you must!!! It is absolutley awesome to me... lyrics, music, voice... just my style.

The entire album is great, but these three are my favorites, have that old school, deep down, from the gut soul feel that attracts me:

Of course, the lead single!!! Perfection!

♫...go ahead and sell me out, and I'll lay your shit bare...♫

♫...I know it ain't easy giving up your heart.

Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it...♫

♫...So, come on and give me the chance.

to prove I am the one who can walk that mile

until the end starts...♫

These lyrics... Mmmmm... Man, I feel them.

♫...So is it over? Is this really?

You've given up so easily.

I thought you loved me more than this...♫

♫...Oh! If only, if only you knew,

everything I do is for you...♫

***UPDATED**
Oh!!! I forgot this gem! I told you I would post the whole, bloody album if I could! LOL...

♫... You know my heart more than I do,
We were the greatest, me and you...♫

♫...I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,
I'll put my hands up,
I'll be somebody different, I'll be better to you...♫

Never Forever?

2011-06-18T13:37:00.001-05:00

That last fragile tie to the Hope that I had for some sort of future with Jazz has unexpectedly snapped. I mean out of NOWHERE! *SNAP* And the next thing I know, I'm flat on my back with the wind knocked out of me.

I was figuratively laying there staring at the sky, and all I can remember thinking while rolling my eyes in frustration was, "I am SO done! I give the fuck up! This is so damn OLD! Get your ass up!!!"

I did, and as I stood I could already feel that I was different. First, parts of me are missing. There is a gaping hole in me. She took everything I needed to love and trust someone else.

"...and now my eyes they look at you bitterly..."

~Meshell Ndegeocello~

Second, I am mad as ALL HELL. It's like I have snapped too. The weird thing to me is that this heated rage in me is manifesting itself through Kariss as sexual energy, rousing her to new heights of power that has me in a constant state of just wanting to fuck... even with no love. I am nympho hot.

One instance that sticks out in my head at this moment: I was working with this woman whom I never usually do. She has that afro I love so much, and as we worked, we talked about natural hair... and I stared at her full lips while I throbbed between my legs and had little mini orgasms as I shifted in my chair. We spoke in work frame for a while then I realized I didn't know her name so I asked and she stops and looks at me and says, "What do you want it to be?" then gives me a little chuckle. I smile a response and as she really told me her name, IN MY THOUGHTS I pushed her back on that table in front of us, lifted her dress, ripped her panties, and ate without mercy...like an animal. I wonder if it showed in my narrowed eyes what I was doing to her behind them...

I never would have thought those things before! Yes, Kariss' sexual force is definitely stronger from my hot rage. I fight her EVERY single day. She's exhausting me. She is nearing the point of uncontrol where if given the slightest opportunity I would act on my desires. You wink at me and motion to the back room? I ~~might~~ will follow.

What is this? I have never been here before... this far gone. Yet, I've never been hurt like this before. Is this the result of the massive damage my heart has suffered, a complete shut down of all my sense and rationality side and a grand opening, free for all for Kariss who doesn't give a damn about love or emotional affection, but only about lustful physical affection and getting off?

I am sure this frame of mind is textbook. I hope. I am beginning to panic. I feel the looming overpower. I need that book! I need to know how to stop it and how to get back what I need to sincerely love and trust another, because I DON'T want to go there and be THAT girl...cold, mischievous, and uncaring, going around fucking not loving, full of emotional scars, and not believing in "Forever".

I don't want that life.